The Unsaid and the
The Unshed
Years ago - when I was teaching myself portraiture - Mom was one of my first portrait models in Manila.
--------I actually started seriously taking on-the-spot portraits [with a borrowed Manual SLR, at that] during a months long architectural assignment inside the premises of a U.S Air Force Military Base !! - FYI !!! ---------
Secondary to mom -> of course -my sister, my dad, brothers, the nephews and neices of my first cousins
It's 5 months to the day now - since mom passed away [January 5] . Come May 11 {Mother's Day], last month, - Thought I'd make a post, about mom, BUT for some silly reason - I never got around to do it. Knew naman, anyway, that I was bound to say something about mom's death - for the first time,
after her death [in this blog] - albeit - months later .......
after her death [in this blog] - albeit - months later .......
Whatever .... Here are just some random memorables of mine - of Mom
Foursome or Fivesome ?
My mom' sister Inez is wearing a black shawl
and is flanked by her two grandchildren, Seth and Xian
Mom's second from the right
My mom' sister Inez is wearing a black shawl
and is flanked by her two grandchildren, Seth and Xian
Mom's second from the right
Photo taken at Jollibee, C-5, July 8, 2011
Yes, I miss mom so bad - to this very day - But it really was time for her to go - last January
[At least we had a memorable 90th B-Day lunch [for mom] at Guernica's last July 27 of 2012.
.
July 27, 2012 {Guernica's, Sucat}
Mom gets a Birthday Beso from Dad
LITERALLY, the Youngest {Xian} AND Oldest {mom}
in our family
On X'Mas Eve of 2013, Mom had a stroke and had to be rushed to the ER, and eventually was checked in at the ICU [unconscious]. After a few days she was transferred to a regular room. She was never in a coma but she was practically in one - being "half-asleep" somewhat 24/7, [totally blind] but still able to hear our whispers and feel with her hands - and as I feared {that one day it would come to pass} - being dependent on cathaters and tubes ...
She would occasionally attempt to verbalize - albeit, struggling with a weak, feeble voice - mumbling barely discernible words. Every now and then - She would recite the "Our Father" or call out my name.
She'd also try to sing a tune or two whenever she felt like it. She'd go in and out of sleep irregularly ..
For several days I lived in that hospital room [ate, bathed, slept there] - [did ALL my work on my laptop] - {Thank God for Pocket WiFi s !!!} and left only to go to sports shoots.
About two days BEFORE she passed away [that was dawn of Friday, January 3] - I was able to record on my mobile - my mom reciting the "Our Father", my mom trying to sing a tune, ---> and my mom calling out my name --> and in that last meek, humble utterance of my name - 'Twas like a hundred "Thank Yous" and a hundred "I Love Yous" combined - Hitting Home [Ibang Klase Tlalaga ang Dating Noon -bro] - Maybe - It was her way of accepting things [that her time was fast approaching] and trying to say "say good bye" - Whatever ...
Luckily - My mobile was fully charged then.
Luckily - My mobile was fully charged then.
That, was, actually, the LAST time my mom ever tried to communicate - after that 15 minute or so segment which I recorded on my cell phone - She fell asleep - She never woke up after that - and by Sunday, [2:00 p.m.] - Mom breathed her last.
Fact is, I never really shed tears for mom - I've Always had watery eyes, Always on the brink of tears -but never really let go my UNSHED tears - Now, That is NOT to suggest in any way I'm manhid or anything like that - Mind You ! I felt heartache - AND I still feel the loss up to Now - as though she just died a few minutes ago.
Maybe because I was the only one who stayed with her at the hospital, [straight] during her last five days or so - that I was able to have a sense of closure from having been able to constantly reassure her [simply by whispering] of my constant presence [final carino] - No UNSAID stuff for me, LET ALONE the last seven years of her life that I served her - caregave her [feeding her, changing her diapers and all that stuff - stayed with her - whenever my busy sched allowed}
When the Time finally Came - her death was a lot easier for me to accept - What I had DONE, was it Enough ? What I had SAID, was it enough too ??? -- I cannot answer that.
I was with her [when not working] in her last few days - and I'm glad I had that opportunity.
Wherever Mom is - I'm sure she IS at Peace. Just have this "weird" wish that she visit me in my dreams ......
Fact is, I never really shed tears for mom - I've Always had watery eyes, Always on the brink of tears -but never really let go my UNSHED tears - Now, That is NOT to suggest in any way I'm manhid or anything like that - Mind You ! I felt heartache - AND I still feel the loss up to Now - as though she just died a few minutes ago.
Maybe because I was the only one who stayed with her at the hospital, [straight] during her last five days or so - that I was able to have a sense of closure from having been able to constantly reassure her [simply by whispering] of my constant presence [final carino] - No UNSAID stuff for me, LET ALONE the last seven years of her life that I served her - caregave her [feeding her, changing her diapers and all that stuff - stayed with her - whenever my busy sched allowed}
When the Time finally Came - her death was a lot easier for me to accept - What I had DONE, was it Enough ? What I had SAID, was it enough too ??? -- I cannot answer that.
I was with her [when not working] in her last few days - and I'm glad I had that opportunity.
Wherever Mom is - I'm sure she IS at Peace. Just have this "weird" wish that she visit me in my dreams ......
Love You Long Time
Beside the Makopa tree at our family home at Marilao, Bulacan
[where I grew up] --- Used 35mm, ASA 4OO AGFA Black & White film / Processed the film myself / Printed an [manually, in a darkroom] Analogue Print on AGFA Matt Black & White Paper / Scanned the print on a flatbed - to produce this JPEG
... Someone I truly Cherish, Interpreted in the Art Form I Love ...
... just sharin ...
Miss You Mom
Love You
brosi gonzales
PS
OK, Will insert my June 3 PBA and my June 4 Filoil Basketball posts
between this post and "Two of a Kind" / Trisha and LA"
Had to miss Super Liga's Wednesday Tripleheader for three Filoil Basketball matches
between this post and "Two of a Kind" / Trisha and LA"
Had to miss Super Liga's Wednesday Tripleheader for three Filoil Basketball matches
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